Let me start by saying this: not trying to fix people is hard. It’s something I’m still working on, and I’m not always successful. With some people, I’ve gotten better at holding space. But with others—especially those closest to me—I have a tendency to go into full-on “mommy mode.”

You know what I mean. That instinct to swoop in, fix the problem, and make everything better. To me, it feels like love in action. But, to the person on the receiving end, it can feel patronizing or dismissive.

I’ve learned (the hard way) that it’s not my job to “fix” everyone. Sometimes, being a friend, a mentor, or a sister—whatever your role is—means stepping back and supporting someone without trying to solve their problems. But man, is it tough.

Why Fixing Isn’t Always Helpful

Think about how you feel when someone gives you advice like they’ve cracked the code to life’s mysteries. You’ve just poured your heart out about how overwhelmed you are, and they hit you with, “Just meditate for 10 minutes a day!” Or worse, “Have you tried being more positive?”

Ugh.

Even when their advice is well-intentioned, it feels like they’re not actually listening. Instead, they come across as a bit of a know-it-all, like they have all the answers when they don’t fully understand your situation.

It’s a quick way to feel unheard, unseen, and unsupported. And let’s face it—when we jump into “fix-it” mode with someone else, we risk making them feel the same way.

What Does It Mean to Hold Space?

Holding space is the opposite of fixing. It’s about being present with someone, listening without judgment, and letting them process their feelings in their own way. It’s not about solving their problems or offering advice unless they explicitly ask for it.

Think of it this way: you’re there to walk beside them on their journey, not drag them onto a shortcut you think they should take.

How I’m Learning to Hold Space (Without Being a Fix-It Douche)

This is where the real work comes in. I’ve learned a few strategies to help me resist the urge to fix, but I’ll admit it’s a constant practice. Here’s what’s helping me:

1. Pause Before Offering Advice

When someone comes to me with a problem, my instinct is to jump in with suggestions. But I’ve started pausing and asking myself, Do they actually want advice—or do they just need me to listen?

Nine times out of ten, they just want to be heard.

2. Ask Instead of Assume

Instead of launching into “solutions,” I’ve started asking things like:

• “What do you need from me right now?”

• “Do you want advice, or would it help if I just listened?”

This keeps me from assuming they need me to fix anything—and honestly, it’s a relief to know I don’t always have to.

3. Validate Their Feelings

Sometimes the most supportive thing you can say is, “Wow, that sounds really hard.” Or, “I can see why you’d feel that way.”

It might feel small, but validation is huge. It lets the other person know you’re in their corner without trying to “correct” how they feel.

4. Step Out of Mommy Mode

This one’s tough for me. I’m naturally a nurturer, so it’s hard not to fall into the role of “fixer.” But I remind myself:

• Be a friend, not a mom.

• Be a mentor, not a boss.

• Be a sister, not a therapist.

It’s not my job to “save” anyone. It’s my job to be there for them, as they are.

The Mental Checklist: Am I Holding Space or Fixing?

When I’m unsure if I’m holding space or accidentally being a fixer, I run through this quick mental checklist:

1. Am I really listening, or am I already thinking about what to say next?

2. Have I jumped in with advice they didn’t ask for?

3. Am I validating their feelings, or am I trying to change their perspective?

4. Would I want someone to respond to my struggles this way?

This last one is a biggie. If I wouldn’t want to hear what I’m saying, it’s time to stop talking.

When You Just Can’t Help Yourself

There are times when holding space feels almost impossible. You see someone making choices that are clearly harmful, and every fiber of your being wants to shake them and say, “Stop it! Here’s exactly what you need to do to fix this!”

When I feel that urge, I remind myself: It’s not my journey. I can support them, but I can’t walk the path for them.

If they explicitly ask for advice, great—offer it gently. But if they’re not ready, pushing won’t help. In fact, it might make them shut down completely.

Why Holding Space Matters

The truth is, holding space is hard. It requires patience, empathy, and self-restraint. But it also creates deeper connections and builds trust.

When someone feels truly heard, they’re more likely to open up, process their emotions, and eventually find their own solutions. And that’s the goal—not to fix their problems for them, but to help them feel strong enough to fix things on their own.

Final Thoughts

Holding space isn’t about being perfect. It’s about showing up with love, listening without judgment, and resisting the urge to play superhero.

So the next time someone opens up to you, take a breath. Step out of “mommy mode.” Be their friend, their sister, their mentor—not their fixer. And above all, don’t be a douche.

Because sometimes, the best way to help is simply to hold space.